Feeling like a Father

I am sitting here in the hospital while my wife and newborn son are snoozing away and recovering physically from his birth just four days ago. That is hard to believe. Just four days ago, I was sitting in my office thinking of how brilliant my plan to bring my fourth child into the world was. Just four days ago, I was contemplating how I could make Micah assimilate as quickly as possible to the Collins family life. Four days ago, I was thinking about....well, me. My experience in parenthood (or at least the stages that I have seen so far) has been quite the eye opening lesson. With the birth of each of my children, I have a series of mini-panic attacks that plague me with worry, frustration, and exhaustion. What's most interesting to me is that this has happened with all four children. Even though I have sat in this very same position thinking these very same things, I still toss and turn at night (it doesn't help that the beds for Fathers in hospital rooms are designed for punishment) doubting my ability to care for the life that sleeps peacefully just a few feet from me. It has always subsided. Always. But if I were to cotinue having children, this feeling would never change. It would always be waiting for me in the back pocket of all of the incredible joy and relief that comes with the birth of a child.

This little boy sleeping next to me has no idea who he is. He has no idea who I or Christy is. He doesn't even know where he is. He was not given the choice to be born into our family. The Lord just simply made sure that he has made it safely thus far. Micah's brain is working overtime trying to grow enough to understand a little more than he did the day before. He has no idea that he is going to need proper food, shelter, clothing, and education to survive in the world. His mother and I are there to provide that for him. But what happens when I doubt my ability to empty more of myself into his life? How in the world can I raise four children to be caring, content adults who lead rewarding and satisfying lives?

God's blessings stretch me out. They pull me to a place that is not comfortable but still rewarding. Yes, children are a blessing. My children are a blessing to me. But a blessing from the Lord is not always something that makes your life easy. It's not always something that looks like happiness on a clear day. His best blessings are the ones that pull us almost to our breaking point. They are the ones the blind us to what is familiar but show us something we have never seen before.